Self Portrait today... what do I think of me.

As I was finishing my walk today, my wife was driving off to work, I waved, she stopped on the road, powered down the window on the CTS I bought her and maintain, and as I shouted a hurried but happy "I love you!" she answered with "Will you vacuum today, please?" smiling before she drove on off. It is over you know.

No longer the guy worth marrying for building a family, protecting one from the evils in the darkness or just common predators and pests. Doesn't even jog now, just walking. Just tell him to vacuum, and just in case she didn't see me, she left a note on the counter in the kitchen. Sigh.

Another blogger/photographer/birdwatcher and many more things had a self portrait posted on Facebook, which prompted my picture of me and this post. Who do I see myself as? Well, the teenage tough with a cool black leather jacket and a Harley-Davidson - is long gone, but I liked being him, having his friends and enemies. The wannabe warrior in his early years of service, just loving that Army stuff, the challenges, the heroic stuff and the boredom waiting to do it again, better and badder. That naive fool, is long gone - but he was trying, really trying.

Somewhere exotic I found the drug and sexual revolution and found it revolting, I didn't seem to be able to drink well either. How Love snuck up on me and I ended up part of a married couple? If you don't believe in magic, well, I do. I got married, stopped drinking and smoking and concentrated on being a fine paratrooper. Ah, the Army in its wisdom shipped me off to become a Drill Sergeant, and it was interesting, rewarding and as long as it was my way - I loved doing it.

By then, about thirty some, I was a professional Non Commissioned Officer (NCO), running marathons and raising a son, when I had some time. I finished my BA, learned a bit of German and got ready to return to the States, and I wanted to be a First Sergeant. Someone messed up and lost his position, and I got called back from my leave to grab the job. It impressed my father that the Army was calling long distance to get me on a phone. I took the job, went to Fort Sill, Oklahoma and pinned on my own stripes because it was time, my battery was jumping onto their howitzers and prime movers that I had pre-positioned. Great three years, some of my happiest, I was playing D&D, and I impressed my paratroopers because I made them use the sidewalks let them carry exotic knives and go to schools and jump and hot to go to Grenada. It was great, but I am no longer that hard working, caring and leading from the front.

Sergeants Major Academy in Texas, three tough months of training crammed into six months. Then off to Korea, working with the Koreans, another language (quickly lost after departure), hosting my parents meeting my wife's culture and family. My son continued to break bones with his skateboarding, and his Korean experience convinced him that he was American.

Back to the 82nd Airborne, and the same battalion building that I had visited as a younger leg sergeant back from Vietnam. What goes around comes around. It was good, got to be in the first ground troops into Saudi Arabia, for speed bump duties. It was hot. The wait was long, the war was quick, and first in first out, thank you President Bush, anytime -- All the Way!

One more tour of Germany, and find myself getting old and out of touch with the Army and its goals, so different than my own. I do have to admit that my mouth and written words were getting me into more trouble than I was worth, seems as I look back I was always too vocal and sure of my opinions value. I have been wrong before, likely happen again. I am no longer wearing a uniform, those days are long gone, too.

Then I ended up in libraries, telling stories, recommending reading, finding answers or information. That was good, even when I was working in the McNeil Island Corrections Center. I retired and rode off on a motorcycle, brown leathers, thank you. I was also shooting and instructing with the Revolutionary War Veterans Association, all the way to Designated Shoot Boss - again, a great time and I liked me a lot like that. But that no longer is me, sigh. I am resolved to be a nice guy, but it isn't as easy as once was. I will probably not meet all the expectations of those that want my attention, my wife, son, grandson, friends and family. But I am getting down to 'no longer the man I once was'. I keep remembering my grandfather in his chair, rubbing his chin, and my father with his strokes before my son went off to Rota, Spain. It happens slowly, but it happens.

I couldn't really tell you who I am, it won't be the same tomorrow. It isn't the same after I save and publish this post. Change is so uncertain but so sure.